"Kärlek är naturligtvis det rätta svaret, men medan man väntar på det så dyker det upp en hel del bra frågor som har med sex att göra."
"Det är inte det att jag är rädd för att dö. Jag vill bara inte vara där när det händer."
"Vad är det för fel med onani? Det är ju bara sex med den du älskar mest."
"Det är nog inte så dumt att vara bisexuell, det skulle fördubbla ens chanser en lördagkväll."
"Jag vill inte bli odödlig genom mina verk. Jag vill bli det genom att inte dö."
"Det är bättre att ha pengar än att inte ha det, även om det bara är av rent finansiella skäl."
"För det mesta har jag inte särskilt roligt. Resten av tiden har jag inte roligt alls."
"Om filmen bara gör åtminstone en person olyckligare, så har jag lyckats."
"Av någon anledning är jag mer uppskattad i Frankrike än hemma. Textremsorna måste vara verkligt bra."
"Det är inte bara det att Gud inte finns. Försök få tag på en rörmokare en söndag."
"Tid är naturens sätt att förhindra att allt händer på en gång."
"Det enda jag ångrar i livet är att jag inte är någon annan."
"Jag tycker att man ska försvara KKK:s rätt att demonstrera - och sen gå och välkomna dem med baseballträn."
"Det finns två sorters människor här i världen, de goda och onda. De goda har bättre nattsömn, men jag skulle tro att de onda njuter av de vakna timmarna mycket mer."
"Om Jesus Kristus skulle återuppstå och se allt som görs i hans namn, så skulle han aldrig sluta spy."
"More than any time in history mankind faces a crossroads. One path leads to despair and utter hopelessness, the other to total extinction. Let us pray we have the wisdom to choose correctly."
"The two biggest myths about me are that I'm an intellectual, because I wear these glasses, and that I'm an artist because my films lose money."
"Sex between a man and a woman can be absolutely wonderful - provided you get between the right man and the right woman."
"If it turns out that there is a God, I don't think that he's evil. But the worst that you can say about him is that basically he's an underachiever."
"I think you're the opposite of a paranoid. I think you go around with the insane delusion that people like you."
"If you're not failing every now and again, it's a sign you're not doing anything very innovative."
"The talent for being happy is appreciating and liking what you have, instead of what you don't have."
"I'm very proud of my gold pocket watch. My grandfather, on his deathbed, sold me this watch."
"You can live to be a hundred if you give up all the things that make you want to live to be hundred."
"At the opera in Milan with my daughter and me, Needleman leaned out of his box and fell into the orchestra pit. Too proud to admit it was a mistake, he attended the opera every night for a month and repeated it each time."
"My ex-wife was a philosophy major at NYU. Yeah, she and I used to have deep philosophical discussions where she would prove that I didn't exist."
"The difference between sex and death is that with death you can do it alone and no one is going to make fun of you."
"I was in analysis. I was suicidal. As a matter of fact, I would have killed myself, but I was in analysis with a strict Freudian and if you kill yourself they make you pay for the sessions you miss."
"She was so sweet and we just walked in the park and I was so touched by her that, after fifteen minutes, I wanted to marry her and, after half an hour, I completely gave up the idea of snatching her purse."
"Interestingly, according to modern astronomers, space is finite. This is a very comforting thought—particularly for people who cannot remember where they left things."
"I'm not a drinker — my body will not tolerate spirits. I had two Martinis on New Year's Eve and I tried to hijack an elevator and fly it to Cuba."
"My wife and I pondered for a while whether to take a vacation or get a divorce. We decided that a trip to Bermuda is over in two weeks, but a divorce is something you always have."
"The only time my wife and I had a simultaneous orgasm was when the judge signed the divorce papers."
"Life is divided up into the horrible and the miserable. The horrible would be terminal cases, blind people, criples. The miserable is everyone else. When you go through life you should be thankful that you're miserable."
"There are three rings involved with marriage. The engagement ring, the wedding ring, and the suffering."
"I can't understand why more people aren't bisexual. It would double your chances for a date on Saturday night."
"To love is to suffer. To avoid suffering one must not love, but then one suffers from not loving. Therefore, to love is to suffer, not to love is to suffer, to suffer is to suffer. To be happy is to love, to be happy then is to suffer but suffering makes one unhappy, therefore to be unhappy one must love or love to suffer or suffer from too much happiness."
"Psychoanalysis is like music lessons, for 5 years you do not notice any progress and suddenly you can play the piano."
"I was thrown out of there during my freshman year, for cheating on my metaphysics final. You know, I looked within the soul of the boy sitting next to me."
"I was raised in the Jewish tradition, taught never to marry a Gentile woman, shave on a Saturday night and, most especially, never to shave a Gentile woman on a Saturday night."
"When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room."
"Most of the time I don't have much fun. The rest of the time I don't have any fun at all."
"How am I immature - intellectually, emotionally, and sexually? Yeah, but in what other ways?"
"I don't want to achive immortality through my work. I want to achieve it through not dying."
"I was nauseous and tingly all over. I was either in love or I had smallpox."
"Sex without love is an empty experience, but as empty experiences go, it's one of the best."
"Eternity is very long, especially towards the end."
"Is knowledge knowable? If not, how do we know this?"
"I didn't know he was dead; I thought he was British"
"I can't listen to that much Wagner. I start getting the urge to conquer Poland."
"I had a terrible education. I attended a school for emotionally disturbed teachers."
"Life is full of misery, loneliness, and suffering - and it's all over much too soon."
"The lion and the calf shall lie down together but the calf won't get much sleep."
"All people know the same truth, our lives consist of how we choose to distort it."
"It's not that I'm afraid to die. I just don't want to be there when it happens."
"I have bad reflexes. I was once run over by a car being pushed by two guys."
"All men are mortal. Socrates was mortal. Therefore, all men are Socrates."
"If my films make one more person miserable, I'll feel I have done my job."
"I don't think my parents liked me. They put a live teddy bear in my crib."
"When we played softball, I'd steal second base, feel guilty and go back."
"I can't express anger. That's my problem. I just grow a tumor instead."
"Time is nature's way of keeping everything from happening at once."
"I am thankful for laughter, except when milk comes out of my nose."
"I've often said, the only thing standing between me and greatness is me"
"Sex between 2 people is a beautiful thing; between 5 it's fantastic."
"Confidence is what you have before you understand the problem."
"Life is like a concentration camp... you can't leave without dying."
"My wife is immature. Whenever I take a bath, she sinks my boats."
"Those who can't do, teach, and those who can't tech, teach Gym."
"If you don't fail now and again, it's a sign you're playing it safe."
"I'm so excited — I think today I'm going to brush all my teeth."
"In my house I'm the boss, my wife is just the decision maker."
"Remember, if you smoke after sex you're doing it too fast."
"I have an intense desire to return to the womb. Anybody’s."
"If you want to make God laugh, tell him about your plans."
"Nothing worth knowing can be understood with the mind."
"To you I'm an atheist; to God, I'm the Loyal Opposition."
"The food here is terrible, and the portions are too small."
"Don't knock masturbation, it's sex with someone I love."
"Who bothers to cook TV dinners? I suck them frozen."
"My one regret in life is that I am not someone else."
"Talent is luck. The important thing in life is courage."
"The only way to be happy is to love to suffer."
"The wicked at heart probably know something."
"If God exists, I hope he has a good excuse."
"Why ruin a good story with the truth?"
"Sex alleviates tension. Love causes it."
"94.5% of all statistics are made up."
"Is sex dirty? Only if it's done right."
"Marriage is the death of hope."
"I don't want to live on in the hearts of my countrymen; I want to live on in my apartment."
"One good thing about being poor is that when you are seventy your children will not have declared you legally insane in order to gain control of your estate."